Breathe Without Me

Bloggers challenge #23: Interpret a picture.

I opened my eyes it was a rainy day, the pretty lady wished me a good morning and then walked away. I wanted to move closer to the window and see outside but I remembered that there’s a plastic wire attached to my nostrils and a needle inserted in my thigh.

Nobody used to visit me at the morning, not even nurses and doctors. They all said that it was my time to rest but I needed someone to be there for me, especially during rainy days because they’re full of beauty and I wanted someone to share those moments with. You were there but you were thousand miles away and I didn’t tell you that I’m living in a hospital for now; I want to teach you how to live without me and so far you’re doing a great job. Sometimes I get mad because you can forget me at times but I always remember you, excuse my anger dear I think that’s the side effects of my medications and my soul..

I need you now more than ever but I live in a tragedy and this might bring you down even though I’m always lost when you’re not around.

Some days I cry and beg them to make the pain end; mum’s tears cover her face when she tries to say, "I wish there was some way to make them stop it"

The pain ease when you text me that you’re happy or you had a great day but sometimes it kill me because I feel that I don’t matter to you anymore; and again my whole damn life looks brighter when I feel your smile from thousand miles so cheer up beautiful cause you were brought up that way..

It nearly killed me the day where they put him in the ground and I’m really glad that I’ll stay for a short while because I’m sure that I’ll leave before you do and I know I’m selfish because that day might make you cry but at least I’ll be in a place with no pain at all just immortal happiness; I hope I meet you there after a long time, if you got there and I wasn’t around then pray for me that the flame doesn’t rip my pale skin and burns my veins more than the chemicals that they feed me now.

…..

The rain just stopped and I think I’m vanishing but before that..

I’m sorry for not telling you that I’m dying..

I’m sorry for not telling you why I’m upset..

I’m sorry for not telling you that I’m hurt..

I’m sorry for pretending to be strong when I’m fragile just like a rose petal..

I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me..

I’m sorry for getting mad at you and not telling you..

I’m sorry for feeling neglected by you..

Sister, this life isn’t simple and it isn’t easy, it barely gives us a break to breathe but sometimes we find someone who saves us and helps us to make it through.. Today nobody is going to save me from the fall out; my only savior is god so please keep me in your prayers as I fade fast.

Please breathe without me..

 _____

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot

Who's the Parrot?

Bloggers challenge #22: confessions 

I’ll write something that I wrote once before but I didn’t say it in details so I hope today I can. To every close person to me I’m known as “Matoo” –it means parrot in Arabic- and it’s funny how it all started.. The things that I’m about to write used to make me sad because I felt neglected but as I grew up it made stronger and proud of who I am.

My father is a Marine and due to that he used to go on missions, I’m talking about six months to one-year missions. The day I was born my father wasn’t around because he was on a mission in the Unites States, he stayed there for a while then he came to see the new baby girl who looks like his sister. My mom told me when he came most of the goodies went to the new kid. Right after his mission to USA my dad went to Egypt for another mission but this time he stayed much longer, he came back for few weeks and went back to Egypt for months, then I started telling my mom that he doesn’t want to stay with us and I wished I had a bigger mind to believe that my father is the hero but at the time I thought heroes should stay with the ones who love them but my father was barely home.

In one of his visits he came and brought a parrot with him, it was an African Gray parrot. I was so happy and excited –I do remember that because I was fours years old- and I felt dad’s love at that moment. After a while dad had to travel again but he left the parrot with us.

The parrot was a baby when dad brought him and I acted like his mommy when no one was around. My mom had to work and my older siblings went to school, so I used to sit with the parrot for a long time and I keep on repeating my name to it until the parrot was able to imitate my voice and say “Maitha” my name was the only thing the parrot can pronounce.

After couple of months my dad came home again but this time he wasn’t going back for a long time because his mission in Egypt succeeded. When he came back he realized that our parrot could say my name so my dad came with the idea that the parrot will be called Maitha and I’ll be called matoo, we switched the names.

That’s the story behind my cheesy name Matoo. My parents and grandma still call me that and as I grew up with this name I learned two valuable lessons.

The parrot represents the child that still lives in me, we all have hidden child in us but mine is awake even though I’m nineteen and I’m actually a kid but the child the parrot holds is different because it stands for innocence and hope.

The parrot situation proved the baby me wrong, because my father loves my family, my country and me! That’s why he traveled, he served a better cause and he taught me that heroes go through hard times but at the end of the day they are always loved and cherished for what they did to us.

I admit that at some point in my childhood I felt unloved because of my father’s absence but now I feel that I’m the luckiest child in this world for having a hero in my house and I look up to him because he handled lot of things just because of our happiness and our country’s security; maybe the act that my father did was small but to me he’s the knight who saves the village from the ugly monsters. I’m grateful for the parrot that lives in me because it made me realize that I have the greatest father in the world and I love him more than I love myself.

So who's the parrot exactly?

Maitha is the parrot who tries to be a great person just like her father.

_____ 

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot