Mamma
warned you about the bad boys and girls, didn’t she? And she probably taught
you that villains are just bad people that the princess should get away from
and not try to fix. That’s what mamma tried to teach me but little did she know
that her girl would use her nails to dig deep to find good and she would not
run away from the beginning of the story just because a villain looked bad.
Some people blink to get a clearer version of
what is in front of them but not me, I blink to make sure that I don’t miss the
faces of the person who is standing in front of me. Well, it’s not wrong to
have different faces, even I have couple of faces some for everyone and some
for the ones who deserve to see my true colors; and I think this is why I was
able to see everyone clearly.. Everyone admired this about me but I never
declared judgments until I encounter the person whom everyone is fussing
about.
I think it was December when I realized that I
was wrong about this. It started out with a boy, typical isn’t it? But let me
tell you this boy.. my boy isn’t like any boy or maybe was..
Tall boy, the reflection of his Kandoura made
his hair and eyes look darker. His dark daring eyes were able to find
everyone’s eyes and look at their souls but not mine, and I don’t know why
looking at his eyes was hard work for me because he’d never look at mine unless
we talked about something irrelevant and that’s not how my trick works. I tend
to save myself from people and save them from themselves sometimes because I
can read eyes and maybe this why I failed to save myself from him.
At first, his charm didn’t play well on me
because he was able to talk to anyone easily and pull a smile to perfection and
that was until we talked for the first time. It started it out with how are you
with his head bent down and a soft tone, and ended up in an argument about the
legacy of Aristotle and our voices rising to “I know him better than you”.
Basically, this is how our conversations went; it escalated from how was your
day till something that my friends would never hear me talk about in front of
them because it will simply bore them to death.
Typical story went on and on till it ended one
day, but I am not going to end it for you this way; I want you to feel the
happiness he offered and the frowns he painted to smiles. I want you to feel
the pain and agony as I narrate it. I want you to know how I broke down my
empire of wisdom and rebuilt it into a legacy out of a brick of despair.
So here I am, my dear.. let me celebrate your
charm for one last time.
..
To charming minus the prince,
I am not
willing to ask how are you because you always managed to say “I’m fine” while
making me that you’re not fine at all. That made me feel better since I knew
that I’m always needed; but not anymore, am I right?
I am writing you this.. not really for you, but
for them to feel what you have put me through. Have I told you that you are
beautiful? Not handsome, but beautiful and that’s not because of your angelic
face or mesmerizing smile. You’re beautiful because you knew how to tame my
demons and make them act angelic, and I wish you didn’t teach them that, they
can’t stand themselves as demons since now you’re gone. Honey, you’re beautiful
because you weren’t poetic but the whole damn poem that I used to love reciting
every night before I go to sleep. You were beautiful.. but not anymore, am I
right?
My walls were so high, no one had the courage to
stand in front of them but I was waiting for the day where someone wouldn’t
dare to destroy them but sneak away from the guards, climb those rusted walls
and get to me.. I thought you did that, until one day I decided to open my eyes
instead of my heart and I found out that my guards are dead and my walls were
sand. I believed that you climbed them; but you didn’t, am I right?
I opened my eyes wide and tried to find you but
I couldn’t.. I blinked more than ones maybe this time, I’ll get a glimpse of
you but still I couldn’t. I rubbed my eyes and washed them with my tears but
all I saw was a boy who was ready to raise his hand to wipe away any girl’s
tear. I couldn’t find you my love. I slept and woke up hoping that one day, you’ll
see that I’m agonizing here.. you didn’t see me, well I thought you did all the
time and saw that I’m not like her; but not anymore, am I right?
Yesterday, I stood and fell at the sight of my
walls, they are broken, my heart is shattered and I am in pain. What have I
done to you? Why didn’t you respect my memory and not betray me with lots of hearts?
Why couldn’t you wait till my wounds heal, let the scars alone.. I guess you
cared about me once; but that was long ago, am I right?
Here I am, today, realizing that it’s not my
fault. It’s not my fault that you want to implant a wound in every girl’s
heart. It’s not my fault that you no longer see Aristotle or Rumi in my words.
It’s not my fault if you choose to throw your heart in everyone’s hand and then
come back hoping that I’ll understand. I will not show you my anger or rage
even though it can burn your walls and shred your soul into pieces, I still
care for you and I can never cause a pinch of pain even when you decided to dig
a well of ache in my heart. You forgot that I’m only, am I right?
Mamma told me, save the ones who need to be
saved, but instead of saving the ones who were burning, I looked for the one who started the fire, I looked for you..
Hoping that I’m going to be the water, that my waves will hold you and calm your
wild flame; but I was wrong, so damn wrong, right?
But here I am my dear, my gone love, the reason
that kept me sane one day, celebrating by blowing off your charm because you no
longer light my days not after you burned my finger tips.
Here’s to you, I wish you well no matter where
you go.. I’m being true unlike you, am I right?
Faithfully,
Strong without your embrace.
This time, I’m right
____
So here’s a lesson for you, not everyone wants to be saved.
