Move Forward

Have you ever stopped doing what you loved because the reason that made you do it on the first place is gone? Well that’s what happening to me lately. I was able to write thoughts and scribbles on my journal, phone notes and even my college handouts. I hold my pen during tough situations (including calculus lectures) and I keep on writing continuously but once I read it, I say to myself “No, that’s not what you write!” because those aren’t proper sentences not even fragments! Those are uncompleted thoughts, and the weird thing that all of those words are related to one thing.. Amna.

Ever since Amna passed away I couldn’t write properly and whenever I try to write something related to her or memories, my eyes get blurry and I stop myself before losing it again. You may say “Why she’s writing about something that’s personal?” but I know that most of the people who know me knows Amoon as well and how dear is she to me. I’m not writing to mourn her but those are my thoughts that I was able to gather from my scribbles..

Have you ever thought of waking up, not on bed but in heaven instead? Pearls surrounding your bed, rivers of honey and purest water and meeting your loved ones after a long long time..

For the past two months that was my biggest wish, to leave as soon as possible. I try to stop myself from having such thoughts because I hate being negative and some thought I’m suicidal, but it’s not about that! I’m not going to swallow the nearest pack of pills or use any belts to hang myself, you know why? Because I don’t own my soul, with god’s permission I walked into this world and with his approval I’m going to leave it!

It saddens me more when others tell me “It’s going to be okay.” I know they’re trying to console me but I know it’s not okay, not for now. What they don’t understand is that I lost a friend, a sister to me. Words can’t mourn her and words can’t comprehend my pain, it’s more than that..

I’m scared,

I’m lost,

I can’t guide myself to me.

I miss her voice,

I miss her night calls,

I miss her brown eyes,

I miss her laugh,

I miss her singing voice,

I miss her complains,

I miss how her sound changes when she’s excited about something,

I miss how she’d call me no matter how late it is just to tell me about her day,

I miss every single part of her that completed my day..

I miss her.

I don’t blame this life or anyone this is how it goes. They walkout to let others in but I keep asking myself when I’ll walk out? When I do, will I be satisfied with everything I left behind? And will I go to the “better place”? but right now I stopped myself from having such thoughts because all of that isn’t in my hand. All I can do now is to live my life to the fullest. Putting myself down won’t please god and I’m sure that’s not what Amna wanted for me or to any person she loved.

This life can be filled with misery and pain but I do believe that better days are coming and lately they’re good to me but still, I miss her presence. I also know that hard times define you but don’t give them a chance to bring you down and describe you as a loser or pathetic because god is on our side and he’s watching us so go and knock his door, he’ll never let you down; and for Amna, she’s in a better place and we’ll be reunited there where no misery can reach us or goodbyes separate us..

And I hope I can get back to where I was or move forward to a better spot.

_____

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot

اللهم ارحم آمنه الحوسني برحمتك اللتي وسعت كل شيء وابني لها بيتاً في الجنة واجعل ملتقانا هناك