To My Idiot

Once upon a time I lived back there, where I chose to close my eyes and heart from love but somehow it still chased me. I used to let others know about how I feel and I enjoy knowing about heir feelings but I didn’t know that this point would change my life. He was there, chasing me and I loved how he did. His words made my day, it was a bit cliché because he always commented on pictures and I never thought something will grow out of this, “C’mon online love, seriously?” that’s what I told myself.

One day he texted me on my other account saying, “How about we work on a story together, and I’d love to hear your opinion about that.” I agreed because I thought that would improve my thinking because what you don’t know about him is that he’s a great writer, I begged to read his words back then but he usually refused or hid them from me. It started out weirdly, I considered him as a friend but I admired him. He kept worrying about me and refused to talk to me if I didn’t care about myself. One day we had a huge fight and I asked him “What is wrong with you?”

“You don’t understand.”

“Tell me.”

“I don’t want to be alone in this.”

Deep down I knew what it was about, “You won’t be alone in this.”

He admitted that it was love and I did the same too, at that moment I felt the ground took me up high to cloud 9 and left me there, with his heart and love.

We lived every single day as if we’re a chapter in a Disney fairytale book. Even our first meeting was mesmerizing; I was out with my aunts and sisters, he told me to take care of myself but minutes later he told me that he’ll join. I shouted at him, “Don’t!”

“Ya Habla (idiot) I’ll just look at you from far away.” He laughed. He used to tell me “Habla” all the time and I called him “Ahbal” (male idiot), it was our way of saying I love you in a funny way.

He came there and we stared at each other from a distance, I felt his eyes on me wherever I moved and every second I asked my sister, “Do I look good?” and she said yes to shut me up. That day he begged me to see him for a moment but I refused, then he stood away from me and whispered, “I love you.” I remember how his lips shaped the words and still my heartbeats fast whenever I remember it because it was the first time I had ever heard it from a man. Later when I came back home we fought over a silly thing and I told him I don’t want to talk to you ever again and I deleted everything related to him. The next day he told me “Habla” and we talked as if nothing happened yesterday. That’s how we lived for a year, fighting back and forth but still we found our way back to each other. He never cared about my flaws and I never cared about his, I loved every bit and piece of him.

During this year he convinced his parents to talk to mine so we can stop hiding and sneaking from everything. We were so excited and we planned everything but unfortunately everything wasn’t on our side and our love got rejected by both of our families. I was devastated and he was disappointed, our chance is gone but we asked ourselves would we still love each other or cut it off?

“Ya habla I love you.”

“Ya ahbal I love you too.”

That was the most repeated sentence between both of us. I was mesmerized, probably hypnotized by him and whenever we fight and he disappears, I have nightmares and then I’d wake up to the nightmare of his absence. I couldn’t let him go but I needed to. He tried to leave me but whenever I went and talked to him he comes back; he always said, “I’m fragile when it comes to you.”

I’m writing my story to all of you but the truth is that my head is full of memories, it runs smoothly but I can’t comprehended it right from his soul’s beauty. You read my words but my eyes are burring they’re red. Every memory used to bite a piece of my heart but now it sooths my heart just like how I hugged him for the last time. He asked me to be friends and forget everything, I thought he’s really cruel and how he could do that to me? He asked me to hug him for one last time and I did, my heart matched his heartbeats, I felt the warmth of his hands on my back; I owned the world and felt safe for the last time back then, and I moved further. I avoided staring at his dark tiny eyes for the rest of the day because his eyes force me to talk and I was scared, I was scared of saying “I love you” and not hearing it back from him. Two days after our last meeting, I decided that it’s time to let go because my soul got wrecked from begging him to stay and my mind got raptured from overthinking. So I told him, “Goodbye, for real.”

I stopped talking to him or thinking about him, I love him but just how his soul is precious, mine is precious too; and I know that he’ll fall in love again with a different girl so why would I chase something that is no longer mine? I made myself strong because once upon a time I thought that he’s everything and whenever he leaves, everything is gone with him but the truth is that everything still exists but I chose not see it.

I am stronger than before and don’t mistake my strength, it’s not hate because I still love him and respect him. I love how he laughs when I try to imitate his voice, how his hand is the size of my face, how I look like a midget when he stands next to me, his small heart-shaped lips, I still love everything about him and because of that I chose not to show it, I chose to give him a peace of mind and live happily away from me.

You may ask how can you be so strong and I say what he always told me, “We’ll marry each other in heaven.” I used to laugh at him and say, “Ya ahbal, I don’t think I will because I’m a sinner.” But now, I try my best to wash away my sins because I really want him in heaven.

I want to include one last letter for him but this is not like the usual letters that I used to write and conclude with a red or pink lips print on it.

My Ahbal,

I’m not going to mention how much I love you or say I love you because you know how much I hate it when I don’t hear it back.

Yesterday, I decided to write you this letter on my room’s floor. I wanted to include how much I love you and how everything was so perfect between us but before I tell you what happened, two days ago I bought myself a rose and I kept it in my favorite vase next to “The Fault in Our Stars” the book that I always begged you to read but you didn’t. I was on the floor and I gave my back to the rose and the vase, as I was writing I heard something crashing and I placed my hands on the floor to support myself as I turn around. I saw the book on the floor right next to the rose and the crashed vase. Then I felt that something is stinging my right hand, I lift it to see that the broken glass caused a cut on my hand. At that moment I washed my hands and ripped the papers where I wrote the words on because I believe that the rose is you and the vase is me, I was captivating you and till the very last second, I wanted to keep you; but the vase shattered into pieces and left a scar on my hands but it set beauty free. The scar is past and the shattered vase is I but I’m not shattered, the lost pieces of me are shattered only.

Today, I want to set you free because somehow I fell from cloud 9 to this dull world.. love and laugh don’t hold yourself back because I want to love and laugh without feeling bad but I promise, in heaven when we reunite I will love you again, more and I swear I will love you right.

Till I fall in your arms again,

Your Habla will always love you unconditionally.

_____

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot