I'm Right

Mamma warned you about the bad boys and girls, didn’t she? And she probably taught you that villains are just bad people that the princess should get away from and not try to fix. That’s what mamma tried to teach me but little did she know that her girl would use her nails to dig deep to find good and she would not run away from the beginning of the story just because a villain looked bad.

Some people blink to get a clearer version of what is in front of them but not me, I blink to make sure that I don’t miss the faces of the person who is standing in front of me. Well, it’s not wrong to have different faces, even I have couple of faces some for everyone and some for the ones who deserve to see my true colors; and I think this is why I was able to see everyone clearly.. Everyone admired this about me but I never declared judgments until I encounter the person whom everyone is fussing about.  

I think it was December when I realized that I was wrong about this. It started out with a boy, typical isn’t it? But let me tell you this boy.. my boy isn’t like any boy or maybe was..

Tall boy, the reflection of his Kandoura made his hair and eyes look darker. His dark daring eyes were able to find everyone’s eyes and look at their souls but not mine, and I don’t know why looking at his eyes was hard work for me because he’d never look at mine unless we talked about something irrelevant and that’s not how my trick works. I tend to save myself from people and save them from themselves sometimes because I can read eyes and maybe this why I failed to save myself from him.

At first, his charm didn’t play well on me because he was able to talk to anyone easily and pull a smile to perfection and that was until we talked for the first time. It started it out with how are you with his head bent down and a soft tone, and ended up in an argument about the legacy of Aristotle and our voices rising to “I know him better than you”. Basically, this is how our conversations went; it escalated from how was your day till something that my friends would never hear me talk about in front of them because it will simply bore them to death.

Typical story went on and on till it ended one day, but I am not going to end it for you this way; I want you to feel the happiness he offered and the frowns he painted to smiles. I want you to feel the pain and agony as I narrate it. I want you to know how I broke down my empire of wisdom and rebuilt it into a legacy out of a brick of despair.

So here I am, my dear.. let me celebrate your charm for one last time.

..

To charming minus the prince,

 I am not willing to ask how are you because you always managed to say “I’m fine” while making me that you’re not fine at all. That made me feel better since I knew that I’m always needed; but not anymore, am I right?

I am writing you this.. not really for you, but for them to feel what you have put me through. Have I told you that you are beautiful? Not handsome, but beautiful and that’s not because of your angelic face or mesmerizing smile. You’re beautiful because you knew how to tame my demons and make them act angelic, and I wish you didn’t teach them that, they can’t stand themselves as demons since now you’re gone. Honey, you’re beautiful because you weren’t poetic but the whole damn poem that I used to love reciting every night before I go to sleep. You were beautiful.. but not anymore, am I right?

My walls were so high, no one had the courage to stand in front of them but I was waiting for the day where someone wouldn’t dare to destroy them but sneak away from the guards, climb those rusted walls and get to me.. I thought you did that, until one day I decided to open my eyes instead of my heart and I found out that my guards are dead and my walls were sand. I believed that you climbed them; but you didn’t, am I right?

I opened my eyes wide and tried to find you but I couldn’t.. I blinked more than ones maybe this time, I’ll get a glimpse of you but still I couldn’t. I rubbed my eyes and washed them with my tears but all I saw was a boy who was ready to raise his hand to wipe away any girl’s tear. I couldn’t find you my love. I slept and woke up hoping that one day, you’ll see that I’m agonizing here.. you didn’t see me, well I thought you did all the time and saw that I’m not like her; but not anymore, am I right?

Yesterday, I stood and fell at the sight of my walls, they are broken, my heart is shattered and I am in pain. What have I done to you? Why didn’t you respect my memory and not betray me with lots of hearts? Why couldn’t you wait till my wounds heal, let the scars alone.. I guess you cared about me once; but that was long ago, am I right?

Here I am, today, realizing that it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault that you want to implant a wound in every girl’s heart. It’s not my fault that you no longer see Aristotle or Rumi in my words. It’s not my fault if you choose to throw your heart in everyone’s hand and then come back hoping that I’ll understand. I will not show you my anger or rage even though it can burn your walls and shred your soul into pieces, I still care for you and I can never cause a pinch of pain even when you decided to dig a well of ache in my heart. You forgot that I’m only, am I right?

Mamma told me, save the ones who need to be saved, but instead of saving the ones who were burning, I looked for the one who started the fire, I looked for you.. Hoping that I’m going to be the water, that my waves will hold you and calm your wild flame; but I was wrong, so damn wrong, right?

But here I am my dear, my gone love, the reason that kept me sane one day, celebrating by blowing off your charm because you no longer light my days not after you burned my finger tips.

Here’s to you, I wish you well no matter where you go.. I’m being true unlike you, am I right?

Faithfully,

Strong without your embrace.

This time, I’m right

____

So here’s a lesson for you, not everyone wants to be saved.

Get Along with Life

I like to sum up every year in a post but I promise you that this one will not be about who walked in or out, because I love to live with an open heart letting people in and out without holding anything against anyone. It is not about if I fell in love or not because I’m always in love with this life and everything it offered me. This post is going to be about the last and most important lesson I learned in 2015.

On the 19^th of December I chose to wear one of my brother’s hoodies and go to my aunt’s house. We sat and talked till one of my cousins came and I heard him telling mom, “Maitha is lost in this hoodie.” I turned to him and I said that it’s not mine, he laughed and said, “I know, cause it’s mine.”

I didn’t get it at first until he said, “It looked familiar, your brother borrowed it from me but he never gave it back and I borrowed it from your another brother who originally got it from your dad.” Everyone started laughing because this hoodie was going around in a circle. Then I came home with this thought in my head and I related it to everything that is happening in my life.

If you looked closer, you’ll see that life is a chain of actions. Every event is followed by another event and it never stops, it keeps moving on and every time it will settle in a different position. My part within those actions is to go with it and try to make the best out of it even if it means staying up all night thinking about what tomorrow morning is holding for me.

So yes, life is like a machine that never shuts off because it is fueled by grief, misfortunes, hope, love and you. So just learn to go with it and I’m sure that sometimes these actions will lead you to nice stations that are crowded by lovely memories and good people.

Remember, a year is just defined by a number like age and time, so don’t go with the ideology of “new year, new me” hoping that this idea will help you adjust with your life. Learn to accept yourself as you are and if you wanted to change the way you look at life then wake up everyday reminding yourself, “new day, new me”

Finally, if I sum up 2015 in 4 words,

I can say: Get along with life.

 _____

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot

Sunset

It’s morning and I haven’t slept yet,

My glasses are blurred

And my heart is wrenched.

I started avoiding sleeping at night

So I can miss the sunsets.

Paroxysm of sorrow hits me at its best,

I can no longer stare at the sun as it leaves me,

It reminds me of your presence

Where now it belongs to my past tense.

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt or broken since you left

But I am damaged, wounded, all torn up..

To the point where I gave up on my scars and bruises,

Where now I am the obstacle that trembles every traveler’s step.

They try to carry me but I force them to keep me on the side of their path,

‘cause I, I need to rebuild myself..

You still exist in me,

Scent, words and some of your magical spells

But I try to overcome you,

However, every time I disappoint myself.

Surely, I missed countless sunsets for the sake of your memory;

Still, you sir..

You are my faultless sun that keeps my risings and sets.

I miss you.

More than anything,

And larger than the biggest star that brought us together.

I still miss you,

But what else can I do or get?

Other than missing and grieving over a sunset.

Feel it All

My mother taught me that it is okay to fear something and it’s fine if you don’t want to get over it because it prevents you from getting into troubles but at the same time she taught me that not every kind of fear is healthy for you. For instance, I used to fear staying in my room alone and the moment I was left alone I always feared the unknown but when I was 18 I had to get over it because I had to stay alone. You see, fear can be developed and forgotten and just like any human I have fears.

Two days ago I had a conversation with my best friend about this new fear that I developed and as stupid as it sounds, it started terrifying me to death for the past two weeks and that’s why I thought about letting it out. My new phobia is “not being good enough” “unworthy” or “replaceable” for someone. I thought about the ones who chose to fall in love with you for a reason that you thought it makes unique and then use the same reason to fall out of love, maybe because they found that reason in someone else or simply because they woke up one day and decided not to love you anymore.

Just like you, I’ve been through this point, the feeling isn’t pretty and it sort of makes you lose hope in everything because if someone can’t maintain love right then what good is he/she to the world? Of course after letting loose of my thoughts my best friend told me that it’s stupid of me to give up on every relationship because I don’t want to get hurt, and of course I refused to listen because I’m stubborn as usual but I read a quote that made me rethink about that stupid phobia of mine

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power.” – Jim Morrison.

I might not be good enough for someone or maybe one day someone decided to change their mind about me and you know what, it’s okay because I hate to be the victim. Sure it hurts but I’ll get over it and one day it won’t matter to me at all just like how I didn’t matter to them.

We can’t force anyone to like us or even accept us; if they want to leave then darling let them. Keep your door unlocked and give them a warm pat on the back and be grateful because they taught you how to be strong.. and when it hurts you, remember that it’s better to feel it all rather not feeling anything at all like them.

_____

Hope and Love.

Maitha the Parrot.

Life's not fair

Give your best, do your best and everything else in this world will follow you but years later we realized that’s not how it works. We realized that this life is not fair and you have to accept it whether you like it or not. Actually, ever since I was a teenager I realized that life is not fair but I didn’t want to admit it because I was scared of what I might face next? I mean, I lived to witness the unexpected and I wasn’t perfectly fine with that but it made me feel better.

A week ago or even more, I had a conversation with a close friend of mine and I remember that I was ranting about lot things and I was truly suffocated from everything around me, I remember this friend’s lines: “When you hit the rock bottom, there’s nothing below than this state. Something ought to be changed, I’m not telling you that everything will be pink and rainbows won’t start spreading across your sky but something will change.” At that moment those words didn’t help me but a day after that I started thinking about it and linking it to everything around me.

When you hit the bottom, you’ll feel helpless and you may think that you’ll live in this pit of misery forever but if you looked at it from a different angle, I assure you that you’ll feel better. There’s no such thing as I lost it all because losing something means that there’s a room for something new and it might be better and it might not but that’s when life walks in to treat you fairly or not.

You and I both know that this life sometimes punches you and then help you stand, then it punches you again and it goes on and on. At that moment remember, you’re at the bottom nothing is left to pull you down not even gravity so instead of sitting down and feeling bad over yourself, stand and do your best even if you fail at least you found something that you should not attempt to do again; and don’t you dare and say “the position I am in cannot be changed” at least change your view, hope for the best and aim for it instead of losing every single cell of hope in you.  

Asking for an internal change isn’t easy but with patience and a strong will everything can be done. Life is not fair but that’s not your fault, so start to believe in your own potential and be rebellious. Rebel on this life when it doesn’t offer you what you need. Again, life is not fair but rebels frighten life and it goes with what they want.

don't forget, stay hopeful

_____

Love and hope

Maitha the Parrot 

To the unborn piece of my heart

To another piece of my heart,

I'll say it to you right away and I'll be honest. Honesty doesn't exist all the time my love and life won't do anything about it because sometimes it enjoys the lies that it throws at you. But darling don't worry because your mother will always keep her arms open and she'll always try her best to keep her huge wings over you so no harm can touch you. But when my feathers fall off and my wings crumble or if you no longer want to be under those wings because you desire wings of your own.. It's okay, I'll keep my wings away and I'll give you a chance to grow and fly. However, if you disliked the skies or forgot how to fly because of an eagle who passed by, your mother will always be there to catch you before you hit the ground.

Honey remember that your mother fell and stood again without anyone’s help, not even your father's help; so you're going to be a warrior just like her and you'll stand on your own but if the ground pulled you down to its core, my hands will be the first thing you see. I'll bring you up because no daughter of mine is brought to up to stay down forever.

And baby girl, remember that blisters and scars are part of who we are; don't be ashamed to wear them or talk about them because it shapes you and defines how strong you are.
So darling always wear your truthful smile, show them how god's beauty work because you are a fine piece of art that god blessed me with.

Finally, my piece of heaven, you my darling, you don't need my permission to mess up once in a while because no matter what, I live to love your perfections and flaws.

Sincerely,
Your mother and warrior.

_____

Hope and love

Maitha the Parrot