Breathe Without Me

Bloggers challenge #23: Interpret a picture.

I opened my eyes it was a rainy day, the pretty lady wished me a good morning and then walked away. I wanted to move closer to the window and see outside but I remembered that there’s a plastic wire attached to my nostrils and a needle inserted in my thigh.

Nobody used to visit me at the morning, not even nurses and doctors. They all said that it was my time to rest but I needed someone to be there for me, especially during rainy days because they’re full of beauty and I wanted someone to share those moments with. You were there but you were thousand miles away and I didn’t tell you that I’m living in a hospital for now; I want to teach you how to live without me and so far you’re doing a great job. Sometimes I get mad because you can forget me at times but I always remember you, excuse my anger dear I think that’s the side effects of my medications and my soul..

I need you now more than ever but I live in a tragedy and this might bring you down even though I’m always lost when you’re not around.

Some days I cry and beg them to make the pain end; mum’s tears cover her face when she tries to say, "I wish there was some way to make them stop it"

The pain ease when you text me that you’re happy or you had a great day but sometimes it kill me because I feel that I don’t matter to you anymore; and again my whole damn life looks brighter when I feel your smile from thousand miles so cheer up beautiful cause you were brought up that way..

It nearly killed me the day where they put him in the ground and I’m really glad that I’ll stay for a short while because I’m sure that I’ll leave before you do and I know I’m selfish because that day might make you cry but at least I’ll be in a place with no pain at all just immortal happiness; I hope I meet you there after a long time, if you got there and I wasn’t around then pray for me that the flame doesn’t rip my pale skin and burns my veins more than the chemicals that they feed me now.

…..

The rain just stopped and I think I’m vanishing but before that..

I’m sorry for not telling you that I’m dying..

I’m sorry for not telling you why I’m upset..

I’m sorry for not telling you that I’m hurt..

I’m sorry for pretending to be strong when I’m fragile just like a rose petal..

I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me..

I’m sorry for getting mad at you and not telling you..

I’m sorry for feeling neglected by you..

Sister, this life isn’t simple and it isn’t easy, it barely gives us a break to breathe but sometimes we find someone who saves us and helps us to make it through.. Today nobody is going to save me from the fall out; my only savior is god so please keep me in your prayers as I fade fast.

Please breathe without me..

 _____

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot

Who's the Parrot?

Bloggers challenge #22: confessions 

I’ll write something that I wrote once before but I didn’t say it in details so I hope today I can. To every close person to me I’m known as “Matoo” –it means parrot in Arabic- and it’s funny how it all started.. The things that I’m about to write used to make me sad because I felt neglected but as I grew up it made stronger and proud of who I am.

My father is a Marine and due to that he used to go on missions, I’m talking about six months to one-year missions. The day I was born my father wasn’t around because he was on a mission in the Unites States, he stayed there for a while then he came to see the new baby girl who looks like his sister. My mom told me when he came most of the goodies went to the new kid. Right after his mission to USA my dad went to Egypt for another mission but this time he stayed much longer, he came back for few weeks and went back to Egypt for months, then I started telling my mom that he doesn’t want to stay with us and I wished I had a bigger mind to believe that my father is the hero but at the time I thought heroes should stay with the ones who love them but my father was barely home.

In one of his visits he came and brought a parrot with him, it was an African Gray parrot. I was so happy and excited –I do remember that because I was fours years old- and I felt dad’s love at that moment. After a while dad had to travel again but he left the parrot with us.

The parrot was a baby when dad brought him and I acted like his mommy when no one was around. My mom had to work and my older siblings went to school, so I used to sit with the parrot for a long time and I keep on repeating my name to it until the parrot was able to imitate my voice and say “Maitha” my name was the only thing the parrot can pronounce.

After couple of months my dad came home again but this time he wasn’t going back for a long time because his mission in Egypt succeeded. When he came back he realized that our parrot could say my name so my dad came with the idea that the parrot will be called Maitha and I’ll be called matoo, we switched the names.

That’s the story behind my cheesy name Matoo. My parents and grandma still call me that and as I grew up with this name I learned two valuable lessons.

The parrot represents the child that still lives in me, we all have hidden child in us but mine is awake even though I’m nineteen and I’m actually a kid but the child the parrot holds is different because it stands for innocence and hope.

The parrot situation proved the baby me wrong, because my father loves my family, my country and me! That’s why he traveled, he served a better cause and he taught me that heroes go through hard times but at the end of the day they are always loved and cherished for what they did to us.

I admit that at some point in my childhood I felt unloved because of my father’s absence but now I feel that I’m the luckiest child in this world for having a hero in my house and I look up to him because he handled lot of things just because of our happiness and our country’s security; maybe the act that my father did was small but to me he’s the knight who saves the village from the ugly monsters. I’m grateful for the parrot that lives in me because it made me realize that I have the greatest father in the world and I love him more than I love myself.

So who's the parrot exactly?

Maitha is the parrot who tries to be a great person just like her father.

_____ 

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot

Say it

Before you read, I want to ask you a question!

Did you hurt somebody?

Yes, take a moment and then answer. I don't want you to feel bad because you're a human and humans make mistakes! Different kinds of mistakes and harming others can be one of them.

There are 3 types of hurting others:

1- Physically: It's when you physically hurt someone by hitting him/her or any other way that might cause a physical pain.

2- Mentally: It's when you argue with them -typical human behavior-

You may say something that you might not mean or maybe you do and it might wound their soul.

3- Emotionally: It's when you neglect someone or make them feel hated or left behind.

Almost all of us experienced one of these pains, either as the abuser or the victim. I'm not writing that to let you know more about your pain or make you feel bad because you  hurt someone. I'm actually targeting the "abuser" .. Someone like us, creatures full of flaws.

Before I start explaining more I want you to ask yourself a question.

What shall I do to make myself and the victim feel better?

If you couldn't find the answer, I'll tell you what I do to feel better. It's really simple and nice but if you're cold hearted person or stubborn then close the page because what I'm about to say needs courage and a loving heart.

It's "The Art of Apologizing" just leave the art and let's focus on apologizing because I didn't master that art yet.

Apologizing: 'To offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury.'

Fault and insult.. Hurting someone mentally.

Failure.. Hurting someone emotionally.

Injury.. Hurting someone physically.

So apologizing covers the three kinds of pain.

When you step on someone's side and make them feel bad don't hesitate to apologize, let your pride behind you because you have to admit your mistakes! Denying them will make matters worse for you and the other person. They'll stop trusting you and they might hate you; nobody wants to be hated! (Unless you're a rap songwriter and want to include "haters make me famous" then you should meet a therapist.)

Apologizing shows the other person that you truly love them and care about them, don't hope that they'll forget and move on because they won't! Even if you apologized they won't forget but they'll remember that you admitted your fault after hurting them and that would make them respect you more.

BUT! Apologizing can work against you when you repeat your mistakes and you keep on apologizing. You can't say "sorry" and hope things work right because apologizing is a word that needs to be followed by an action! You must show the other person that you're really sorry and you're willing to make things better.

At the end I'll repeat what I said earlier, we're not flawless and it's okay to make mistakes but it's not okay to deny the mistake and keep on repeating it! Promise yourself to be a better person, a person that give his best to makes himself -first- and others feel better.

Try to master this kind of art..

Say I'm sorry before it's too late..

_____

Hope and Love 

Maitha the Parrot

Remind Me

We were in fifth grade when everyone used to run during P.E class but you and I would sit and talk about recipes, I guess you had passion for cooking since you were a kid.

At first they forced us to sit next each other and suddenly we became good friends.

Been so long but I still remember your dark long braided hair..

Remind me if you can.. Remind me.

Do you remember when you had to move away, back then I didn't know you really well..

Remind me if you can.. Remind me.

Do you remember when I was the new kid in ninth grade, I caught your eyes and smiled hoping that you remember me..

You spoke to me and I was glad. We went back to what we used to be.

Been so long since we sat next to each other..

Remind me if you can.. Remind me.

Do you remember when we laughed on the silliest matters.

Remind me if you can.. Remind me.

I want to go back to those day where nothing mattered and morning hugs made the day great.

Remind me if you can.. Remind me.

Do you remember when we graduated I felt so bad because this time I'm sure I won't be able to sit next to you.

All I got those sweet memories and a white teddy bear that you gave me on my 16th birthday.

Remind me if you can.. Remind me.

All the things that we used to do, now it makes me miss you even more.

Remind me if you can.. Remind me.

I hope you know and you never assume my love to you, because if they offered the stars and moon, nothing can ever replace you.

You're the song that's in a sea shell, no matter how I tried I can't get you out of there..

You're in my mind..

This time you don't have to remind me..

_____

Hope and Love
Maitha the Parrot

I Rise

I rise with every step I take toward my bed after working hard during the day.

I rise when someone calls me "stupid" or "weird" when I try to learn something new. 

I rise when you try to convince me that I'm not good enough but I shake my head and believe in myself.

I rise when obstacles lay on the path of my dreams and I get the courage to take them off and keep on walking. 

I rise when I see my parents smile, "dear we're proud of you"

I rise when I fall and promise myself to stand up once again. 

I rise when I fail once, twice and lot of times but I keep repeating “The next try is going to be mine.”

I rise with every punch I get from someone who used to be cherished because they taught me not to trust any person again.

I rise when I see my friend by my side, believing in my abilities.

I rise when my agony eats my soul but I fight it with belief.

I rise when my disability tries to stop me from standing again.

I rise when hopelessness tries to knock my door but I greet it with faith. 

I rise when I wake up and the sun blind my eyes, screaming "It's a new day!" 

I rise because I know that I'm worth it. 

I keep on rising everyday because I believe that I wasn't born to be an "it"

_____

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot

Caterpillar

It was a Monday night when I was roaming in my room. I usually sleep at this time, but tonight I'm sleepless.. I saw bunch of papers on my desk so I decided to sit there and try to write. I did so, but I noticed something.. I had a jar, I kept my caterpillar there.. Some of you might think that I'm weird because I'm raising a caterpillar but I love her, yes it's a “her” -I think- and tonight I didn't find her in my jar. I thought she died and that made me feel horrible because I couldn’t take care of a fragile thing, but again I noticed something; I squinted and yes it was a cocoon! My caterpillar didn't die, she's in there, hiding, feeling warm and I'm happy for her. I brought the jar closer to me.. And started singing,

'Caterpillar in the tree..

How you wonder who you'll be?

Can't go far but you can always dream.

Wish you may and wish you might,

Don't you worry, hold on tight

I promise you there will come a day..'

Then Aisha walked in my room without knocking the door and she stared at me with her tiny dark eyes and said "watcha doing?"

"Nothing sweetie I'm just glaring at my caterpillar."

"What's a caterpillar?" She took a closer look at the jar while playing with her short dark hair.

I lifted her and said, "Caterpillar is a tiny thing just like you, it starts small and then she build her own tiny home and lives in it so she can learn how to deal with her life when she grows up and fly." I avoided any kind of scientific explanation because she likes to get a simple description.

"But we can't fly" Aisha giggled.

"I know dear, but we fly when we go out and try to figure out this world and how to deal with things and people just like the caterpillar when it becomes a butterfly! She learns how to deal with the things that might hurt her and she learns how to adjust with things when everything seems wrong."

"Why do you sound sad?" She whispered.

"I'm not sweetie." Yes, I lied to her.. I lied because nothing seems right now, this person keeps on hurting me and I wish I was the caterpillar in that cocoon, away from everyone just living with myself; alone, sleeping and hoping that I'll wake up when things get right.

I remembered that Aisha is still staring at me, so I cleared my throat and said, "one day I'm going to be a butterfly who'll fly away, and I'll forget who's that human." Then we left the room so the caterpillar can sleep soundly.. Hoping one day I can be that caterpillar.

_____

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot