Happy Ever After

29^th January 2014

Part of being a woman is to stand for my own kind and fight for them but this time I couldn’t because I felt helpless and useless due to what I saw. I saw the worse kind of pain crawl into someone’s precious body..

I’ll share it and my heart is literally broken over that person because I witnessed with her what I fear the most.. I witnessed the death of a broken soul.

….

Dear Maitha,

I’m sorry I haven’t written in a very long while but please I want you to pardon me because you wont believe what happened!

Few weeks ago my uncle talked to my dad, his son “Hamdan” the one whom I always described as a gentleman wants to marry me. Mom and dad came and told me about him, they also told me that he’s a great choice because no one would ever treat me the way he wants to treat me. He’s a great man to be honest, he’s committed to his religion, he has his bachelor degree, he’s handsome, he knows how to treat a woman right and above all they say that he loves me.

Last week I told my parents about my decisions and it’s a YES! Can you believe that I’m getting engaged? I’m not in love with him yet but I hope one day I will fall in love and live my happily ever after.

I apologize again for not contacting you and I hope you accept my apology.

20^th November 2011

                            Love,

                          Mai.

….

Dear Maitha,

I apologize again for not returning your calls and that’s because I’m going through hard times and I can’t talk to anyone. I’m ignoring everything..

Remember the gentleman I told you about? The one whom I’ll live my happily ever after with? Well, he decided not to.. He called my dad and told him “Sorry I’m not interested in your daughter anymore, we’re different and it won’t happen.” But that’s not the shocking part; the shocking part is that my family and his see that it’s my fault! It’s my fault because after building hopes for both of us with him for one year he realizes that he’s too young for a commitment and it’s my fault because he’s a man, he can’t be wrong. It’s my fault because I’m a girl who respects her family, so much which made her, swallow a pill of humiliations and allowed it to inflame her heart.

I’m sorry for complaining about my stupidity and fantasies but I need you now and I need your prayers.. Please don’t let me down.

                                               

 30^th December 2012

                            Love,

                          Mai.

….

Dear Maitha,

Life is full of ups and downs but mine has lot of downs and most of the time I felt sorry for myself; but today I don’t because I think life is finally smiling back at me, you want to know why? Keep reading..

A month ago I met an inspiring writer his name is “Fares” as you know it means the knight and his friends call him “Bu Sh”hab” I think that’s adorable.

He is a true gentleman and he treats me with respect and love. By love I mean, I’m in love with him!

I’m in love with his laugh,

I’m in love with the way he imitates my voice at night when I whisper to him so no one can hear me,

I’m in love with his smile that shows half of his teeth,

I’m in love with his tough and strong spirit,

I’m in love with his soul that lifts me up when I’m down,

I love him more than anything!

My mom knew about him and she was mad at me but he promised to knock my door and my mom is fine with the idea but she asked me not to talk to him, that’s tiring because I miss him even when I’m talking to him.. I love him and we shall live our happily ever after.

                                                  30^th August 2013

                            Love,

                          Mai.

….

Dear Maitha, 

I really can't predict my life anymore, everyday surprises me; not by getting sick or failing courses, it's much worse.. Maitha my soul is wrecked, or it's getting wrecked.

The gentleman,

The happy every after,

I'm not even close to that. My mom refused him and his family, that made me hate myself, despise my existence. I wish he never met me, I didn't mean to hurt him.. Maitha I love him! I keep telling him that every single day but he won't believe me.. He says that I don't understand what he's going through and he refuses to understand what I'm going through. My mum and dad forced me to say yes to marrying my cousin "Ahmed" the one I told you about couple of weeks ago. He's so full of himself and he thinks he's a saint, everyone sees him as a saint but I see him as the devil similar to the one who made Adam and Eve eat from the forbidden tree..

I am tired Maitha and I love Fares, he's the only thing that forces me to smile.. I love him even though we can't be together.

                                                  15^th September 2013

                            Love,

                          Mai.

....

Dear maitha,

I no longer have the power to speak or write. I can't fathom what's going around me. I don't feel comfortable at all.. I'm done with this life.

Fares and I fought easily, he threatened me to leave every single day unless I break a condition and I'm tired of breaking things for his sake; I don't feel that he's respecting me or my womanhood, he's being so fussy and I can't keep up with him. 

Now he's living a happy life without me, he left because I refused to unfriend a person, he thought that person is a pimp and he doesn't know him! Fares became a very judgmental person, not the fares I met but I'm still madly in love with him and I can't hold myself back. He's gone, and I no longer have something to look forward to.

Maitha tell me..

Is it fair?

My cousin ditched me because he got bored.

Is it okay?

My parents forced to marry someone I hate.

Is it right?

My fares fell in love and then out of it so easily while I'm here suffering.

What about me?

Have they though about me?

They call me selfish but I'm the one who's being their doll, they place and replace me so easily! They expect me to be fine with their actions. 

Am I an easy target? 

Men play with my feelings, they force me to love them and when I do they just walk away, but I am a HUMAN! Do you understand that Maitha?

Maitha, where's my happily every after?

Will it walk in and never out?

Or it'll keep giving me false hopes?

I have lot of questions and I need answers.

                                                  25^th November 2013

                            Love,

                          Mai.

....

Dear Maitha,

This time I'll keep it short.

Do you remember when I asked you about my happy ever after?

I'll get it tonight, so take care darling.

                                                  26^th November 2013

                            Love,

                          Mai.

....

Dear Mai,

I keep calling you and I keep texturing you but I know that you won't pick up or reply because you're gone.

I don't miss you at all, but I'm happy that you got rid off this life, I'm happy that you finally got your happy ever after. But what happened to the ones who hurt you earlier? Did someone knock them so they get a taste? I was wondering but now I have my answers.

Hamdan is living happily ever after, he's working and everyone thinks he's a gentleman.

Ahmed is carrying on with his life and I don't know a lot about him except that he's living a great life.

Fares, the love of your life, the one you chose over so many.. Well darling he's the happiest, he's dealing with your absence perfectly.. He's living his happily ever after sugar.

It's not fair that they're living happy because of your misery, I can't find the bright side of it..

Love, you're soulless body taught me that no one will stay forever, you're heart that became numb showed me that screw them all.. All of them!

I'm fine thanks to you,

I'm great because of your happy ever after lessons but I feel bad because you had to experience them so I can learn.. I love you and this the last time I'm writing you.

28^th January 2014

                            Love,

                          Maitha.

 _____

Hope and Love

Maiha the Parrot.

Care Less

Few months ago a person whom I called a dear friend of mine said, “I love the war between you and your pen.” But today this friend isn’t here because that person decided to get me out of their way and proceed without me so I dedicate this piece that’s written by my pen to that friend whom I no longer care about.

____

Few months ago I met a great friend and I thought this friend would be the answer to every question in my life (yes, I had a teenager fantasy. Do not laugh.) But what wasn’t so “teen” of that person is that this person neglected me for something I had nothing to do with it.

I got neglected for being myself, for holding my pen writing what I like and what I don’t like, for talking to everyone without setting boundaries because I think the first step to learning is communication, for reaching out to everyone because I love to be there for people even if I don’t know them. I got neglected for being myself and I got shouted at saying,

“You’re not behaving well.”

“You have to grow up.”

“You should be more responsible.”

“I’m sick of your attitude.”

At first I accepted those insults and other insults, and I apologized.. I apologized for being myself because I thought that I’m not a flawless person, I make mistakes and I have to admit them but after a while this person didn’t stop; all I got was more insults and I got disguised from myself, I thought I’m a horrible person!

That changed when I had a talk with the miracle worker and my angel (Afra and Shahd) they didn’t realize that I was seeking for a solution, an answer that helps me but I got it! I should not apologize for being myself because being myself is all I got. Let people neglect me, it’s alright. 

The purpose of writing this is to show you and teach you if I can. This world doesn’t revolve around a certain person, this world is not about getting accepted by a person or a group of people, it’s about accepting yourself the way you are. You might be young or old but this scenario keeps on repeating. We try our best to fight for the ones we love to stay in our life but we should know that if that person isn’t making the effort.. well, we should let them know that they are more than welcomed to leave the door they came from. No more fights and no more staying up all night; if they don’t like you it’s fine because you don’t need someone who stops you from being you.

DON’T give anyone a chance to bring you down and enjoy this life because it’s so damn good! Take a deep breath and care less because sometimes people and circumstances will turn against you if you thought about it a lot. 

Shining Face of Beauty

Since college started I’m sure that all of the bloggers and writers are having trouble writing due to the lack of time. During the last two days I wanted to write but the trouble wasn’t in time or studies, the problem was finding the perfect words to start because whenever I try to remember what happened I feel speechless just like that day.

Let’s remember the story right from the start..

Before I graduate one of the suggested universities was Khalifa University and it was the first university who wanted to interview me. I remember it was on Saturday and I was really scared because I wondered if someone would like me to be her friend. As I walked and sat down on the reception couches or as we call it now “the main” I saw group of girls revising some algebraic principles because our placement test was in Maths and Computer. One of the girls sat next to me and we started talking as if we knew each other long time ago. We were so nervous but we were good at calming each other. Few months after I decided to join Khalifa University and on our orientation day I met this girl once again, she hugged me as if she knew me years ago and I actually loved that because I didn’t feel like a stranger to her.

…..

This is my second year in Khalifa University and yes she is my friend now. I can define her as joy, it’s hard not to smile when you see her around, her smile forces you to smile and her hugs brighten your days. I used to ask myself what makes this girl such a great person? Few days ago I found the answer. We had a meeting in the Learning Center to discuss “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green, each one of us started analyzing the theme, characters and the story line; during that I wanted to share a story with her but she insisted on sharing it with everyone else and I did! I felt exposed a bit because this book reminds me of a personal experience that I’m still going through. But still at that moment I didn’t focus on everyone or myself in that place but I saw her and how she tried to deliver her message, which was about pain and I understood that the amazing soul who was sitting right next to me went through something that made her the sweet loving yet tough person. 

When the members left, some stayed behind we saw a short scene from the movie that they’re still making, I was touched but when I looked to my left hand side I saw her tears but she tried her best to hide them; the scene ended, a girl started asking about our emotions and that’s when my friend told her that she lost her father because of cancer. When she said that my soul shook my body and I felt that a hurricane had twisted my heart that made me realized my friend “Munira” is a strong lady who faced so much but still she smiled, laughed, hugged, joked and inspired.

Munira’s name means bright and shining face of beauty in Arabic and that suits her soul too because she’sa stunning  person who turned pain into a beautiful piece of art that left a mark on our souls. I can’t describe her perfectly because she is too perfect to be described.

_____

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot

Pocket Full of Patience

This is for every man who placed his family needs before his..

For every man who became a local hero to his family and everyone around him..

…..

A knock on the door woke him up, then a sweet voice whispered behind the door, “Mohammed, wake up dear.”  He moved out of his bed and placed his feet on the ground, ground’s coldness moved from his veins to his brain and something flashed in his brain, “C’mon Mohammed it’s a new day, survive and then visit your bed once again.”

Mohammed is the house’s man, even though he’s too young for that. Friends hangout and have fun while he’s running errands but he never complained and that made him his mom favorite boy. But today he woke up heavyhearted; he started counting the seconds the moment he got out of his bed, “I just want this day to end.. I want to go back to bed.. I’m tired of all of this.. When will I get rid of this situation..” All of those thoughts are running back and forth in his head.

He walks into the kitchen wearing blue sweat pants and pajama shirt, he sat on the wooden table and that’s when his mom stood behind him and placed a plate right in front of him, then she rested her hands on his shoulders.

“Here you go, plain pancakes your favorite breakfast.” His mom said. He looked up to see a warm smile drawn on her face, and then he kissed her hands and smiled, “Thank you.”

Mariam his eight years old sister was next to him, she opened the pack of blueberries, and used them to make a face, nose and smile on Mohammed’s pancakes. Then she laughed, “It matches your pants and because blueberries will kick your blues away.” Mohammed laughed at her innocence and hugged her tight between his arms. She tried to push him away but he refused to let her go then she said, “Let me go, your arms.. I can’t breathe!!” He opened his arms then Mariam ran and hid behind her mom.

She peaked behind her, “Mommy his arms are like rocks.” Her mom laughed and said, “It’s his new thing baby, he puts his anger to improve his health. I like it that way.”

Mohammed stretched, “Well that was delightful but I have to go now.”

After dressing up and getting to his car, Mohammed went to his college. He knew that it’ll be a long stressful day but that boy got a pocket full of patience. He walked into that door and straight away to his class. Physics, Calculus, Arabic and other courses that sucked life out of him but still that pocket was full.

He entered his house at six in the evening and he rushed back to his room to be reunited with his bed; the moment he closed the door a similar morning knock came but this time it was quieter. He opened the door to see his mom standing, “Mohammed can you take your brother Ahmed to his friend, drive Mariam to your grandmother’s house and get couple of things from the grocery.”

He took a deep breath, “But mom I just came from college and it was a tiring day can all of them wait till I get some rest?!”

She wanted to shout at him but she knew he was right, “What do you want me to do? You’re the only one I can count on and you don’t want to do it. FINE! I’ll find a way to take them there.”

He rubbed his hair, “Fine mom I’ll do what you want.” He couldn’t see her like that.

“NO!” she shouted at him.

“Please mom.. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.. I’ll do what makes you feel better.” He apologized.

She walked away and didn’t look back at him. Mohammed had to surrender to reality and kiss his rest goodbye for now. He took his siblings, got what his mom wanted and then he picked them again.

At eleven in the evening he walked in his home again and this time he prayed no one no asks him for anything. In his room before he closes the door his mom came and said, “Mohammed your dad is on the phone.” Mohammed picked it up, “Hey dad.”

“Hey Mohammed, how are you son.”

“I’m great dad, how about you.”

“I’m proud of you.”

“What made you say that?” Mohammed laughed.

“Because you’re doing my job and your job at the same time, I know that me being away from you and everyone else is hard. Umm.. I can’t say how proud I am of you..”

“Dad it’s my job and I’m proud to be your son, thanks.”

He hanged up and handed his mom the phone; she held his hands instead and hugged him, “Your dad and I are really proud of you, you proved that you’re a son of a man. I love you and I’m proud of you.”

“I love you mom, I’ve got a pocket full of patience.” He whispered.

She laughed and hugged him even tighter, “Pocket full of patience, I like that..”

_____

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot

Move Forward

Have you ever stopped doing what you loved because the reason that made you do it on the first place is gone? Well that’s what happening to me lately. I was able to write thoughts and scribbles on my journal, phone notes and even my college handouts. I hold my pen during tough situations (including calculus lectures) and I keep on writing continuously but once I read it, I say to myself “No, that’s not what you write!” because those aren’t proper sentences not even fragments! Those are uncompleted thoughts, and the weird thing that all of those words are related to one thing.. Amna.

Ever since Amna passed away I couldn’t write properly and whenever I try to write something related to her or memories, my eyes get blurry and I stop myself before losing it again. You may say “Why she’s writing about something that’s personal?” but I know that most of the people who know me knows Amoon as well and how dear is she to me. I’m not writing to mourn her but those are my thoughts that I was able to gather from my scribbles..

Have you ever thought of waking up, not on bed but in heaven instead? Pearls surrounding your bed, rivers of honey and purest water and meeting your loved ones after a long long time..

For the past two months that was my biggest wish, to leave as soon as possible. I try to stop myself from having such thoughts because I hate being negative and some thought I’m suicidal, but it’s not about that! I’m not going to swallow the nearest pack of pills or use any belts to hang myself, you know why? Because I don’t own my soul, with god’s permission I walked into this world and with his approval I’m going to leave it!

It saddens me more when others tell me “It’s going to be okay.” I know they’re trying to console me but I know it’s not okay, not for now. What they don’t understand is that I lost a friend, a sister to me. Words can’t mourn her and words can’t comprehend my pain, it’s more than that..

I’m scared,

I’m lost,

I can’t guide myself to me.

I miss her voice,

I miss her night calls,

I miss her brown eyes,

I miss her laugh,

I miss her singing voice,

I miss her complains,

I miss how her sound changes when she’s excited about something,

I miss how she’d call me no matter how late it is just to tell me about her day,

I miss every single part of her that completed my day..

I miss her.

I don’t blame this life or anyone this is how it goes. They walkout to let others in but I keep asking myself when I’ll walk out? When I do, will I be satisfied with everything I left behind? And will I go to the “better place”? but right now I stopped myself from having such thoughts because all of that isn’t in my hand. All I can do now is to live my life to the fullest. Putting myself down won’t please god and I’m sure that’s not what Amna wanted for me or to any person she loved.

This life can be filled with misery and pain but I do believe that better days are coming and lately they’re good to me but still, I miss her presence. I also know that hard times define you but don’t give them a chance to bring you down and describe you as a loser or pathetic because god is on our side and he’s watching us so go and knock his door, he’ll never let you down; and for Amna, she’s in a better place and we’ll be reunited there where no misery can reach us or goodbyes separate us..

And I hope I can get back to where I was or move forward to a better spot.

_____

Hope and Love

Maitha the Parrot

اللهم ارحم آمنه الحوسني برحمتك اللتي وسعت كل شيء وابني لها بيتاً في الجنة واجعل ملتقانا هناك